The unofficial wedding etiquette guide - what's acceptable and what's not!
Whether you're the bride, mother of the bride, bridesmaid or going to be a guest at a wedding, there are certain wedding etiquette 'rules' to obey if you want to go about it the right way.
Rule # 1: Ask the bride's father for her hand in marriage
Assuming your intended is of legal age, you don't have to get permission from anyone to get married. However, asking the bride's father will not only make him feel respected, but will ensure he's on your side for years to come. (Especially useful if your mother-in-law is a real battle axe.)
Wedding etiquette for invitations
The invitations are usually sent out by the bride's parents or whoever is hosting the wedding. For correct wording, see our article on wedding invitations. It is also correct wedding etiquette to give the required dress code on the invitation so that guests are clear about what to wear.
Dress rules for the bridal party
Traditionally brides wore white for good luck and as a sign of modesty. Although brides are free now to wear whatever they like, the bride must choose her bridesmaids' dresses carefully. Don't put your bridesmaids in dresses that will outshine yours; it's your day and you deserve to be the star! The same goes for bridesmaids if they are buying their own dresses - it's not good wedding etiquette to outdo the bride!
The mothers of the bride and groom usually meet to discuss what they plan to wear; remember its correct wedding etiquette to allow the bride's mother to have first choice of colour and style.
Wedding etiquette: dress for the guests...
Whether the bride is wearing a traditional white dress or not, the style of her dress sets the tone for the occasion. This means that if the bride is wearing a formal wedding dress and has requested that the bridegroom and his party and the rest of the guests dress formally too, it is only good wedding etiquette to do so. If it is a morning wedding and the groom is wearing a morning suit, ladies can wear day or cocktail-style dresses but a jacket and tie is still expected from the male guests.
An evening wedding demands a darker jacket or suit and an evening dress or trouser suit for women. Sometimes there may even be a 'black tie' request on the wedding invitation.
And if you're a guest at a wedding, don't wear a long white dress - doing so is a BIG no-no!
Wedding etiquette rules for presents
If a family member receives an invitation to a wedding but cannot attend, it is good wedding etiquette to send a gift anyway. However, if you are a friend or colleague and can't make it, a present is not required (but would be appreciated nonetheless).
If the couple have a gift registry set up at a store, this may be conveyed on the invitation. Otherwise, the bride's mother or the bride herself can be contacted for this information.
The bride is allowed to be (a little) late; the groom is not!
It is almost expected that the bride will be a few minutes late for the ceremony, but it is poor wedding etiquette if the groom is not standing at the bottom of the aisle when the bride arrives.
And you have to have a really good excuse for doing a runner and leaving anyone alone at the alter: this is by far the worst wedding etiquette sin and the person paying for the reception has full permission to kill you!
On a serious note, guests are allowed to go home if the bride is still doing her makeup hours after the ceremony was scheduled to start. Brides need to be aware that their guests might be uncomfortable on hard church pews and be struggling to control restless children.
Wedding etiquette for that between-ceremony-and-reception gap
Don't book a long photo shoot after the ceremony and leave your guests standing around with nothing to eat, drink or do. Organise a string quartet or jazz ensemble to entertain them if you're going to be posing for pics for two hours and ply them with snacks and drinks. This way, they'll hardly notice your absence and you won't make your grand entrance facing a hostile room of wedding guests.
Main table wedding etiquette
Don't seat divorced parents who hate each other side by side: enough said! See www.askmehelpdesk.com for FAQ's on this topic.
Place video cameras in unobtrusive places - no-one wants a close-up of a row of mouths full of food. Save the filming for the speeches.
Wedding etiquette tips for speeches
Give your guests some sustenance before subjecting them to long speeches and if you're going to thank people by name, don't leave anyone out. Making a list is a good idea. You don't want Aunty May, who lent her silver knife to cut the cake, in tears because you've left her out.
General wedding etiquette tips
Lastly, there are a few more rules to be obeyed when hosting or attending a wedding. Stick to these and you'll have a fabulous time!
- Turn your cell phone off in the church.
- Make sure you don't run out of food or drink!
- Don't walk off with the flower arrangements on the tables unless you've been given permission to do so (especially if you leave early).
- Stay sober for the formal bits - like speeches and photographs (and the wedding ceremony).
- Don't stay up all night partying with your friends if your new spouse is exhausted and visibly wilting in the corner at 3am.
Amazon.com has a useful wedding etiquette guide to help you plan the perfect wedding. Click here.
For more information on correct wedding etiquette, click here.
By Sasha Wyatt-Minter
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